Friday, February 25, 2011

The 3 worst worst musical experiences of the last 5 years

3.  Anything relating to Soulja Boy's "Crank That."  Or is it "Crank Dat"?  Or is it "People no Longer Have Any Taste in Music" considering that this piece of garbage was a top 40 hit in at least 8 countries, and a top 5 hit in the 6 largest English-speaking countries in the world.  Thanks to this song, I was privy to some of the worst flirting ever ("I bet I can do the Soulja Boy better than you" "You don't know the Soulja boy?  I'll teach you, I'm awesome at it" etc. (Any frat guy in town to any moderately good-looking girl, or any horny girl to any douchey looking guy (because let's be honest, the bigger douche you are, the more you liked this song)) as well as witnessing a group of 25 people simultaneously breaking out into dance in a garage at a party (side note: I witnessed this as a few of us were walking up the driveway to said party.  We immediately turned around and left.  We did not pass go, did not collect $200, and didn't have the misfortune of hanging out with that group of raging tools all night)

2.  The first time I heard Kid Rock's "All Summer Long."  What do you get when you combine sampling of two great songs (Skynyrd's "Sweet Home Alabama" and Warren Zevon's "Werewolves of London")?  In the case of Kid Rock you get a steaming pile of shit.  After hearing this song the only thing that I wanted to do all summer long was go deaf so I never had to hear this again.  Additionally, this awesomely bad tune has bastardized the two songs mentioned above and they'll never be the same.  

1.  The Black Eyed Peas' Super Bowl half time show.  This.  Was.  Awful.  I honestly don't think it would have been possible to schedule a worse performance that this if you tried.  It was terrible.  They can't sing.  Even if they could sing, their music blows.  The costumes they were wearing were fucking retarded.  And wait,  there's more.  After they sucked ass for a few minutes, they brought out Usher to sing some shitty song, and then Slash (who is either at rock bottom and desperate for money or has just turned into a huge sellout) came out playing "Sweet Child of Mine", which Fergie proceeded to butcher.  Then they went back to their shitty music.  It was audio-visual rape.  I would rather have watched 15 minutes of two gay chimpanzees loudly butt-fucking each other (and I don't think it's a stretch at all to say that I'm not the only one who feels that way).  Bring back aging rock stars who will do anything to remain relevant, please

Sunday, February 20, 2011

concerning sloths and zoos

you know how animal rights people are always pissing and moaning about how inhumane zoos are and how it's cruel to keep the animals locked up?  i dont think they ever took sloths into consideration. sloths in a zoo have the best life they could hope for. they move 3 feet a week or whatever so its not like they're missing out on running around. they get regular meals, so they can put even less effort into life (which seems to be what they're all about), and they dont have jaguars hunting them.  a sloth can literally do nothing in the wild that it can't do in a zoo except wake up with a 50% chance of dying every day.  compared to that, i think the zoo sounds like a pretty good fucking deal.

or to put it another way, if you view being in a zoo as the sloth's "job" then the sloth's "job" guarantees life, food, and medical care.  all it has to do in return is do what it would be doing anyway and hang on a tree.  that would be like me being given food, medical care, and the promise of not being murdered and eaten to sit on the couch all day.  if someone offered me that i'd take it in a second

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

what i did today

today i made up 2 new words. or one word and a phrase. 
1.  procrasturbake- the act of procrastinating by getting baked and masturbating
2.  pissed out- pissing yourself while passed out
it's been a productive day.  
also, in the past 2 weeks i've been banned for life from a friend's house (but she's a cunt so oh well), described as girl as "so hot i'd let her pee on me just so i could see her vagina", had a surprisingly fun time at 2 bars i'd previously thought of as the 9th and 10th circles of hell, trekked a half mile through 1.5 feet of snow, slipped on ice so many times my entire body was a bruise at one point, and had an absurdly in depth conversation about blumpkins and the proper etiquette on how to decline one. i've accomplished less in 2 weeks than most people accomplish in any given day

Saturday, January 22, 2011

popular foods i hate

1.  ranch dressing
2.  sour cream
3.  doritos
4.  fruit roll ups
5.  bbq sauce
6.  jack daniels/whiskey in general
7.  strawberry jelly
8.  pepperoni pizza
9.  sausage
10.  pork in any form that isn't bacon
11.  white castle burgers
12.  stuffing
13.  cake
14.  muffins
15.  cupcakes
16.  sour cream and onion chips
17.  spaghettios
18.  bell peppers (red, yellow, or green)
19.  fruity cereals (fruit loops, trix, fruity pebbles, etc.)
20.  candy corn (possibly the worst of the candies.  by far the worst of the corns)

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

the most productive day i've had in god knows how long

by most peoples' standards i accomplished very little, if anything at all, today.  by my standards, i was freakishly productive. things i accomplished today (in no particular order) :

1.  talked my way into more fun prescription meds (and one scary one. side effects include menengitis, seizure, coma, and death. not gonna be filling that one. i'm a bit too attached to living)
2.  wandered borders books for an hour. saw some books that look good. also found some on how to grow  pot should i ever decide i want my life to mimic Weeds
3.  bought pot
4.  went to put it away when i got home and found $40 that i guess i hid a month ago
5.  used that $40 to buy more pot
6.  had mexican food (good mexican food) for dinner
7.  found some books that look good at the library
8.  found a shroom hook-up in st. louis  and an acid hook-up in tampa (never done shrooms. or acid. or been to tampa for that matter so those weren't actually that productive but it's nice to know the options are there)
9.  watched a shit-ton of Skins (learned that loser isn't an emotion. good to know)
10. came up with 2 ad campaigns (1 for a company that doesn't have enough money to advertise, 1 for a company that exists but a product that doesn't)
11. tried Buckler non-alcoholic beer. not nearly as good as real beer
12. found the only company in the US that imports Augustiner beer from Germany then found their local (Nashville) distribution partner.  calling them tomorrow
13. found a new dealer
14. started preparing for the GRE and researching grad schools

AND (most importantly)

15. made MAJOR progress as far as moving back to Columbia full time

solid fucking day

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

the party button

i want a button that i could carry around with me like the EASY button in those office depot commercials, except that mine would be the PARTY button and when i hit it, it would play the chorus of "can't stop partying" by weezer and lil wayne.  that way, whenever i did something stupid while drunk, if anyone gave me shit i could just hit the button and it would make it seem (in my mind at least) more acceptable. like if someone was like "hey asshole, you just pissed on my couch and broke my lamp. what's your fucking problem?" and started getting upset, i'd just hit the button and they'd be like "oh, it's cool. he's just partying"