Friday, February 25, 2011

The 3 worst worst musical experiences of the last 5 years

3.  Anything relating to Soulja Boy's "Crank That."  Or is it "Crank Dat"?  Or is it "People no Longer Have Any Taste in Music" considering that this piece of garbage was a top 40 hit in at least 8 countries, and a top 5 hit in the 6 largest English-speaking countries in the world.  Thanks to this song, I was privy to some of the worst flirting ever ("I bet I can do the Soulja Boy better than you" "You don't know the Soulja boy?  I'll teach you, I'm awesome at it" etc. (Any frat guy in town to any moderately good-looking girl, or any horny girl to any douchey looking guy (because let's be honest, the bigger douche you are, the more you liked this song)) as well as witnessing a group of 25 people simultaneously breaking out into dance in a garage at a party (side note: I witnessed this as a few of us were walking up the driveway to said party.  We immediately turned around and left.  We did not pass go, did not collect $200, and didn't have the misfortune of hanging out with that group of raging tools all night)

2.  The first time I heard Kid Rock's "All Summer Long."  What do you get when you combine sampling of two great songs (Skynyrd's "Sweet Home Alabama" and Warren Zevon's "Werewolves of London")?  In the case of Kid Rock you get a steaming pile of shit.  After hearing this song the only thing that I wanted to do all summer long was go deaf so I never had to hear this again.  Additionally, this awesomely bad tune has bastardized the two songs mentioned above and they'll never be the same.  

1.  The Black Eyed Peas' Super Bowl half time show.  This.  Was.  Awful.  I honestly don't think it would have been possible to schedule a worse performance that this if you tried.  It was terrible.  They can't sing.  Even if they could sing, their music blows.  The costumes they were wearing were fucking retarded.  And wait,  there's more.  After they sucked ass for a few minutes, they brought out Usher to sing some shitty song, and then Slash (who is either at rock bottom and desperate for money or has just turned into a huge sellout) came out playing "Sweet Child of Mine", which Fergie proceeded to butcher.  Then they went back to their shitty music.  It was audio-visual rape.  I would rather have watched 15 minutes of two gay chimpanzees loudly butt-fucking each other (and I don't think it's a stretch at all to say that I'm not the only one who feels that way).  Bring back aging rock stars who will do anything to remain relevant, please

Sunday, February 20, 2011

concerning sloths and zoos

you know how animal rights people are always pissing and moaning about how inhumane zoos are and how it's cruel to keep the animals locked up?  i dont think they ever took sloths into consideration. sloths in a zoo have the best life they could hope for. they move 3 feet a week or whatever so its not like they're missing out on running around. they get regular meals, so they can put even less effort into life (which seems to be what they're all about), and they dont have jaguars hunting them.  a sloth can literally do nothing in the wild that it can't do in a zoo except wake up with a 50% chance of dying every day.  compared to that, i think the zoo sounds like a pretty good fucking deal.

or to put it another way, if you view being in a zoo as the sloth's "job" then the sloth's "job" guarantees life, food, and medical care.  all it has to do in return is do what it would be doing anyway and hang on a tree.  that would be like me being given food, medical care, and the promise of not being murdered and eaten to sit on the couch all day.  if someone offered me that i'd take it in a second

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

what i did today

today i made up 2 new words. or one word and a phrase. 
1.  procrasturbake- the act of procrastinating by getting baked and masturbating
2.  pissed out- pissing yourself while passed out
it's been a productive day.  
also, in the past 2 weeks i've been banned for life from a friend's house (but she's a cunt so oh well), described as girl as "so hot i'd let her pee on me just so i could see her vagina", had a surprisingly fun time at 2 bars i'd previously thought of as the 9th and 10th circles of hell, trekked a half mile through 1.5 feet of snow, slipped on ice so many times my entire body was a bruise at one point, and had an absurdly in depth conversation about blumpkins and the proper etiquette on how to decline one. i've accomplished less in 2 weeks than most people accomplish in any given day